Glorious Ruin

Time To Move On

Well I have finally decided where I'm going with this blog...I'm moving.

My new address is over on my fiance's domain - logical paradox. I thought it was a pretty clever domain name and was happy to move over there with the simple blog title of "Thoughts". It's a bit of a return to my first ever blog name of "Thoughts of a stranger". Nice and simple. :)

So chow. Feel free to come over and join me!

It's been a while

It's been over 4 months since I last posted here. A lot has changed in that time. I am no longer a Christian. I have moved to a different country. I have graduated from university. I have started a proper job. I have moved in with my boyfriend. And I feel happy and fulfilled and more sure of myself than ever before.

I used to spend a lot of my time online. Now I hardly turn on my computer. I'm too busy out there living my life. I dont know what the future has in store for this blog. It would be nice to share my thoughts and journey with the world. Maybe touch on some of the controversial decisions I have come to. I know that one of my recent articles has attracted a fair bit of attention, so I might carry on in that vein, but I might have another change of blog. Right now, I dont know, I'm not rushing stuff.

The Bible - My Views

I am writing this post to summarise some conclusions I have come to in my own personal walk lately and in response to a comment left on one of my posts about my opinion of a controversial bible verse.

The initial source of my conflict came from contradictions within the Bible that really bugged me. For example in Genesis God creates the world, and everything He creates is good, that is until He creates man. And He says that it is NOT good for man to be alone. So He created a wife for the man. Also in other passages of scripture it refers to how a chord of two strands is stronger than one of only one chord, implying that a married couple are stronger and better suited to handle life than a single person alone. However come the new testament and we find Paul declaring that it is better to remain unmarried.

My personal view on this is as follows: At the time of Christ there was a religious movement that advocated celibacy. There have been waves of this throughout history and it goes in cycles. For a time marriage is advocated and even having multiple wives and having lots of offspring is seen as good, and then the tide turns and sex is seen as being sinful and celibacy is seen as being the only way to a pure life. The celibate times in history have led to some horrendous attrocities. For example the witch hunting in the dark ages where women were singled out as evil and killed by the celibate priests who condemned the women's sexuality as being sinful. No wonder God said it was bad for man to be alone and celibate back at the creation of the world. Sex is part of who we are and it should be embraced, not rejected, and marriage is the safest place for sex to be exercised.

So, how has something ended up in the Bible that is in direct contradiction to what God Himself has said? Well lets take a quick look at the Bible. The old testament is the history of the Jewish people. It was passed down through the generations with each generation being taught to recite it word for word until it was put into written form so the final form is very similar to the original. Therefore the stories that are portrayed can be considered accurate. It is full of direct words from God from the prophets. Now the validity of the prophets could be questioned, are they really speaking God's word or is it just something they're making up. Well for me, what proves their validity is that first of all what they forsee happens, also they are in agreement with one another. I discount the mormon or islamic texts where only one man wrote the whole lot, because there is no way of proving he didnt just make it all up. However in the Jewish scriptures there is multiple sources who are in agreement and also what they prophecied about came to be.

We then look at the new testament. The first 5 books are written in the same manner as the old testament, they are just records of what was done and what was said by Christ and the early church. They are just a historical record and can be considered fairly accurate, especially since 4 sources are in agreement on the stories they tell. However we then have the letters to the churches. They are written mostly by Paul and are his personal opinions and advice to the early churches. Whereas everything up till this point is just history and records, this is someone's own personal opinion and is pretty much a sermon. Now every Christian should be aware that sermons should always be taken with a pinch of salt and referenced to what the rest of the Bible says to ensure that the human error element and personal opinions of the minister isn't warping the message being delivered. In the same way I think the new testament letters to the churches should be read with a pinch of salt and refering to the old testament to ensure that what is said does not contradict with what has gone before.

Another point that should be made at this point is that there are many gospels of different apostles and letters to the churches that never made it into the Bible during it's formation. Can the people who made the decisions as to what should be included be trusted to have made the right decisions? Over the next few years I intend to look out and read the other books that never made it into the Bible to find out what they said and why they weren't included.

So personally when I approach the Bible, I am willing to accept the old testament as being God's word, and the gospels of Christ, however when it comes to the letters to the churches I take them with a pinch of salt. If they are in agreement with the rest of the Bible then I will embrace what they say, but when they deviate from what I read elsewhere in scripture then I will chose to reject what they say. I dont think anyone should mindlessly accept everything that any book says, regardless of the religious importance of the book. Think about what you believe and why you believe it. Question everything. When your faith can stand up under that scrutiny then you know it is worth hanging onto and you will be able to share your faith much more convincingly with others.

Thing about it - Sweatshop Union

This is a time of growth for those that know,
And it's a time of hope for those that don't,
But if your mind is open you'll get shown,

We've had our sights blinded, all of my like-minded,
People need to get up and discover the right time is,
Now, so start opposing the powers that arose,
In ancient days and paved the way to this load,
It's so controlled, it's sitting in most, just sit and stare,
At a television with a distant glare,
And I'm ashamed to admit it, I'm a slave to this shit,
As much as anybody but I'm not afraid of it,
This is where the change comes, and this is where we make some difference,
Embrace what's within us and escape from this prison,
All it takes is a little bit of faith,
And a little bit of love, to get rid of all the hate,

Chorus:
But the thing about it is we can't just sing about it,
We can't just sit around and wait until they thin us out,
We figure out where we're going while we live in doubt,
If you want my truth, listen now and just think about it,
The thing about it is we can't even think about it,
Can't afford a minutes time to figure how to bring about a change,
So, take a second, and shake your head,
And take a step ahead and think about it,

Now the ball is in our court, while we sit and watch passively,
The face of the earth changes drastically, after we,
Clear space at this rate for strip malls and factories,
We risk take a crew fate at a pace beyond gradually,
No more crops for us to harvest and feed,
Self-sufficiency replaced by clone-copy written seeds,
Now ask yourself, how can we be free,
When the water that we drink is owned by some company,

I hear the weep up the streets, and cries up in the skies,
The weakness is disguised with deceitful lies,
Well we all eat to survive, and sleep through our lives,
Repeat in for high, all shit and no pride,
Never speak of our lie, let the fear fortify,
My insides are dying, trying to fit in the design,
I'm reminded daily, of a world gone crazy,
Guns mean safety for orphan babies,
Ignore the distortion you're forced to perceive and believe,
What supercedes is love, but who agrees?

But the thing about it is we can't just sing about it,
We can't just sit around and wait until they thin us out,
We figure out where we're going while we live in doubt,
If you want my truth, listen now and just think about it,
The thing about it is we can't even think about it,
Can't afford a minutes time to figure how to bring about a change,
So, take a second, and shake your head,
And take a step ahead and think about it,

Could you survive in the wild, with a wife and a child,
A whole human history, a line a type and a file,
So live your life in denial, or try to live on your own,
Without your colour TV, heat, fridge or the phone,
Well the average guy lives an elaborate lie,
Waste days on slave wage beneath the passionate eye,
Now we ovulate, copulate and over-populate,
Never stop to think about the things that we were taught to hate,
Now the stage is set, watch the players place their bets,
Take a sec, shake your head, feel alive, make you sweat,
Realize that the system can't exist without belief,
Appreciate your true potential, untwist your mouth and speak,
We're working on building a world our children can live in,
Understand, I can't be free, while you're still in this prison,
And I could spend my days preaching, so on and so forth,
But it won't change, until we don't want to go on, no more,

But the thing about it is we can't just sing about it,
We can't just sit around and wait until they thin us out,
We figure out where we're going while we live in doubt,
If you want my truth, listen now and just think about it,
The thing about it is we can't even think about it,
Can't afford a minutes time to figure how to bring about a change,
So, take a second, and shake your head,
And take a step ahead and think about it,

But the thing about it is we can't just sing about it,
We can't just sit around and wait until they thin us out,
We figure out where we're going while we live in doubt,
If you want my truth, listen now and just think about it,
The thing about it is we can't even think about it,
Can't afford a minutes time to figure how to bring about a change,
So, take a second, and shake your head,
And take a step ahead and think about it,

This is a time of growth for those that know,
And it's a time of hope for those that don't,
But if your mind is open you'll get shown.

Ghandi quote

"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity; and worship without sacrifice."

A lot of wisdom in that quote!

It IS hard

A few years ago a friend of mine got into a serious relationship and always seemed to be speaking about how much hard work it was. At the time I was single and extremely lonely and didn't understand what she was talking about. I mean she had someone to share life with, she had someone who was there for her when she needed someone. At that time in my life I had no-one. I figured she didn't realise just how lucky she was. Now it's my turn to be there and I'm really beginning to appreciate what she was talking about. Being in a relationship is definitely not as easy as I thought. Infact sometimes it's harder than being single.

Don't get me wrong, there's no way I'd ever want to go back to the single life, it sucks. I love my man dearly and there's no way I'm gonna give up on what we've got. But I'm beginning to understand what my friend was talking about.

I've been struggling lately. My depression flares up when I'm weak and vulnerable, like the predator that it is. Right now I've got lots of major projects and exams for uni and I've been feeling really overwhelmed. I've also been trying to do this diet/get fit thing in time for graduation (I want to look my best at the graduation ball) and I've been seeing very little/no progress. It's been frustrating.

That's already a recipe for stress and anxiety for me, but when you add in some self defeating behaviours and some hormones then it turns into a pretty nasty mess. On Tuesday I came very close to cutting, frighteningly close. I was freaking out and I didn't know how I was going to cope. In the end it was Billy Connolly who saved the day. I spent all afternoon watching his gigs on youtube and that helped to distract me long enough for my brain to essentially reboot.

So what does all this have to do with a relationship? Well back in the days when I was single all of this stuff was shit, but it didn't affect anyone else. Now when I have my "moments" I see the affect it has on my boyfriend and it tears me up. Thankfully he's never had to experience this side of things, but that also means he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He wants to help, but there's nothing he can do. I know how much that frustrates him but I don't know what to do.

I'd always figured that when you're in a relationship then you've always got someone there to help carry the burdens of life with you. But I'm beginning to realise that sometimes the other person is already too weighed down with their own burdens to help you with yours. Or sometimes instead of "a burden shared; a burden halved" it turns into "a burden shared; a burden doubled".

This is a really difficult time for me personally, and for us as a couple. I've been used to handling my depression in my own little way, not having to worry about how it affects other people. I would hide away and battle it on my own, leaving most other people oblivious to what was going on. Now I have to learn how to let someone else into that process, how to let someone else help me. I know that we love each other enough to work through this, it's going to be really hard but at the end of the day - even this shall pass.

Eye of the Tiger

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

Chorus:
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

chorus

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

chorus

The eye of the tiger (repeats out)...

The Name of the Lord is to be Praised

No longer in chains,
I have found my freedom in you.
No more am I bound,
You’ve taken my sin and my sorrow away.

I will walk with my head lifted up
The old is gone and the new has come

[chorus]
And the Name of the Lord is to be praised.
The Name of the Lord is to be praised.
The Name of the Lord is to be praised.
The Name of the Lord is to be praised.

Alone and afraid,
I was lost, in need of your amazing grace.
You came into my life,
You poured out your unfailing love and your truth.

By your grace I stand justified,
Because of you, have eternal life.

[chorus]

 
And you will be praised.
And you will be praised.

We give you our praise,
For your amazing love.
We give you our praise,
For your grace and mercy.
We give you our praise,
For the freedom you have given.
We give you our praise,
My healer, my saviour.

[chorus]

 

A Question of Parenting

There is a story in the news right now of a 15 year old girl who was on a family holiday in India who got drunk/stoned, was raped and then murdered. Her mother is under fire right now and being partly blamed for what happened.

The situation from what I've gather is she was having sex in England, doing drugs and drinking. Her mother knew about this, and let her. They were on holiday, the mother and the rest of the family went on a trip, leaving the 15 year old girl alone with some guys they'd only just met (one of which the mother knew the girl was sleeping with).

I look at that and ask, how in the world can the mother NOT be held responsible?! My father taught me that up until the age of 18 what I do is his responsibility. So when I went out at the age of 14 and got drunk he went nuts at me, because I was still his responsibility. What I had done was against the law and since he had not stopped me then he had broken the law too. Now my father didn't know what I had done until after the fact, but he was still willing to stand up and take responsibility for the actions of his under-age daughter.

That girl was too young to be having sex, so how in the world can that mother justify letting her daughter sleep with guys and then try and pretend to be a decent mother? Also any parent that willingly lets someone who's 15 smoke, drink or even worse, do drugs, should not be allowed to have kids! All three counts are against the law! That woman should be locked up if anything for knowingly breaking the law!

And as for leaving her daughter with some strange men in a foreign country, that was just asking for trouble! She has admitted she may have been naive - no woman, you were fucking stupid! What happened should not come as a surprise. You don't leave a 15 year old girl in the company of grown men who are doing drugs and drinking, they do NOT make good baby-sitting material. You were asking for something to happen to your daughter by letting her live that kind of lifestyle. There are plenty of parents who take responsibility for their children's actions and lose them to tragic circumstances, those parents deserve our sympathy. This woman most definitely does not; she handed her daughter over to those men to pretty much do what they wished with her.

It just sickens me to hear about parents like these. And people wonder what's wrong with our country?!

Some Things that Make Me Smile

In no particular order.

• Pretty flowers
• Baby animals
• A pony rolling, wiggling away with its legs in the air
• My boyfriend first thing in the morning
• Handing in a report I've been working on for ages
• Seeing an old friend
• Old people holding hands
• Adults admitting when they're wrong
• Punks with maternal/paternal instincts
• A dog with a happy waggy tail
• LOLcats
• Being woken up at 4 am by my cat wanting affection
• Sleep ins
• Cuddles
• Favourite memories
• My brother when I'm trying to be mad at him
• Forests
• The Sea

The Beauty of Holiness

When Religious Faith and Reality Clash

I've been thinking a lot recently about some of the things I was taught growing up.

As a child I was taught that if you prayed about something and followed God's direction in your life then everything will work out fine. But if you go and do your own thing and manage your life yourself with no regard for God, then your plans will fail and it'll all fall apart around your ears.

And yet as I've grown up and seen a little bit of the world I've seen situations where people have sought God's will and stepped out in faith based on guidance from God, only for the ground under them to cave away. I've seen Christian marriages that seemed so strong and sturdy fall apart. And I've also seen "sinners" and unbelievers planning their lives without God and making a decent go of it. They follow their own set of morals, live to be good people, have successful careers, a good family life and generally have good lives.

Growing up I was taught that non-christians are all miserable and desperate for God to fill the aching void in their lives, and yes, I've seen plenty of people who fall into that category, but I've also seen plenty of people who are happy and complete. Well balance individuals who have found their own path in life and are content, happy and at peace.

I understand the destructive nature of sin and how it can ruin lives, but I have also come to realise that the idea that becoming a Christian makes every all shiny just doesn't wash, and inversely that being a non-christian isn't so bad.

And I know I'm not the only person to think these thoughts. Psalm 73 speaks about the "prosperity of the wicked". How they "have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills." The author responds with "Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning."

Now I appreciate that people who do wrong ARE punished for what they've done, but I no longer believe that by following God and being a "good little christian" I'll gain a better life, or that being a non-believer means you're "wicked" and will be destroyed. There are many decent unbelievers who do well for themselves based on honest principles. Maybe in time I'll take on the mindset of the rest of the Psalm and change my tune, but for now I remain sceptical.

Happy Mother's Day?

Well I think I just destroyed my mum's mother's day.

I called her to wish her the best and she asked how I'm doing, and so I filled her in on the details of my current employment situation (just been offered a job) and mentioned how I'm discussing it with my boyfriend as it will affect him and I mentioned that we were going to move in together (something I figured she already knew). But judging by her reaction I would have to guess that she didnt actually know or was refusing to admit it.

There were many painful silences and to say that she's pissed off at me is an understatement. I ended the phone call by telling her that I love her, and she simply responded with "well I'm going now" and hung up.

During the conversation she accused me of not being a Christian (something that doesnt bother me so much these days), she said that me and my boyfriend have nothing in common (even tho I pointed out that we love each other, we want the same things in life and we have the same views on what's right and wrong), she said that committing to one another for life isnt enough to be married, but when I mentioned that one day we'd get the bit of paper saying we're married she said it's more than a bit of paper, and she said that everything I'm doing will all fall to bits around my ears.

When I mentioned that my brother has married a non-christian girl and that they have a great marriage she was shocked (she thought that my sister-in-law was a christian) and she pretty much said that they were doomed to fail too then.

She said that I should wait and see what God wants me to do and that if I just decide to do things without Him then everything will fall to bits. I tried to explain to her that it's my life and I have to make my own choices and that she has to learn to accept that, and if need be let me make my own mistakes. She was horrified at me saying it was my life, she was all "it's not your life, God gave it to you, you cant make your own decisions, you have to do what He wants you to do".

How do I feel about that conversation. Well I'm gutted. I would have hoped that out of everyone in this world my own mother would be the person I can talk to about my choices, my plans, my hopes, my dreams. I would have hoped that my mother would accept me for who I am, despite whatever choices I make. But what do you do when the religion you were brought up with is the dividing point in your family? I've seen the same thing happening with my brother and sister before me, as they've gone into the world and made their own choices and built their own lives the moment they've done something that mother dearest doesnt approve of the judgement falls like a hammer. My sister was ripped apart with feelings of never being good enough for my mother. My brother still holds a lot of bitterness towards my mum for her lack of support.

I never noticed just how narrow minded the religion I was brought up with is until now. It hurts because I love God, I believe in the apostle's creed, I believe in the forgiveness of sins, and I believe in grace. However I'm beginning to see where religion becomes that sword that divides families, which is spoken of in the Bible. And I have to question, do I want any part in that? Do I want any part in the judgemental attitudes, in the black and white "I'm right you're wrong" arrogance? I dont want to be like that.

So on this mothers day I have to say, although I love my mother, and I think she did the best that she knew how, I dont want to be anything like her when I become a mother. And if being a better mother means being a "worse" christian, then so be it!

A video for you all.

I'd like to take the chance to share with you a video I just found on Bebo (linked to Youtube) that is of one of my cousin's giving her testimony. I was completely oblivious of the journey that she has taken over the years and it almost brought me to tears to hear where she's at now. What she's got to say is so very very true that I thought I would share it with you all.

See the video - here.

I dont want to be here

What do you do when as long as you can remember you've escaped reality whenever you didn't like the look of it? As a small child when you got bullied at school and had no friends you'd escape into an imaginary world found in books that was further developed in your head. And now as an adult you find yourself flying away from the reality that you don't to accept. A massive pile of coursework, but all you can do is stare out of the window at the birds in the trees. There's not enough hours in the day, and yet here I am killing time.

Yesterday I was with a bunch of people from my class. We were talking about ligers and mules. I became animated, this was a subject where I knew what I was talking about. I corrected my fellow classmates on their misconceptions and I educated them about hybrid breeds of animals from information I learned as a child. When I was a kid I loved animals and I would spend hours reading through the encyclopaedias to learn more about them. I never thought that the knowledge would come in useful, and yet now I find myself dynamically talking about it. But if you were to ask me about my degree subject I wouldn't be able to talk intelligently about it for longer than 2 minutes. I don't have a grasp of what I've been taught, because I don't care about it. I have never done extra reading simply because I found the subject interesting. In high school I took on an extra class simply because I found the subject fascinating, that's never happened since. I cant help but think that I've lost my way at some point.

I want to be the kind of person who jumps out of bed in the mornings, all excited about what I've got in store for me that day. Instead I find myself having to drag my ass out of bed every morning, fighting the urge to just pull the covers over my head and disappear off into an imaginary world.

I genuinely don't know where I'm going. I feel lost and I don't like it.