I dont want to be here

What do you do when as long as you can remember you've escaped reality whenever you didn't like the look of it? As a small child when you got bullied at school and had no friends you'd escape into an imaginary world found in books that was further developed in your head. And now as an adult you find yourself flying away from the reality that you don't to accept. A massive pile of coursework, but all you can do is stare out of the window at the birds in the trees. There's not enough hours in the day, and yet here I am killing time.

Yesterday I was with a bunch of people from my class. We were talking about ligers and mules. I became animated, this was a subject where I knew what I was talking about. I corrected my fellow classmates on their misconceptions and I educated them about hybrid breeds of animals from information I learned as a child. When I was a kid I loved animals and I would spend hours reading through the encyclopaedias to learn more about them. I never thought that the knowledge would come in useful, and yet now I find myself dynamically talking about it. But if you were to ask me about my degree subject I wouldn't be able to talk intelligently about it for longer than 2 minutes. I don't have a grasp of what I've been taught, because I don't care about it. I have never done extra reading simply because I found the subject interesting. In high school I took on an extra class simply because I found the subject fascinating, that's never happened since. I cant help but think that I've lost my way at some point.

I want to be the kind of person who jumps out of bed in the mornings, all excited about what I've got in store for me that day. Instead I find myself having to drag my ass out of bed every morning, fighting the urge to just pull the covers over my head and disappear off into an imaginary world.

I genuinely don't know where I'm going. I feel lost and I don't like it.