It IS hard

A few years ago a friend of mine got into a serious relationship and always seemed to be speaking about how much hard work it was. At the time I was single and extremely lonely and didn't understand what she was talking about. I mean she had someone to share life with, she had someone who was there for her when she needed someone. At that time in my life I had no-one. I figured she didn't realise just how lucky she was. Now it's my turn to be there and I'm really beginning to appreciate what she was talking about. Being in a relationship is definitely not as easy as I thought. Infact sometimes it's harder than being single.

Don't get me wrong, there's no way I'd ever want to go back to the single life, it sucks. I love my man dearly and there's no way I'm gonna give up on what we've got. But I'm beginning to understand what my friend was talking about.

I've been struggling lately. My depression flares up when I'm weak and vulnerable, like the predator that it is. Right now I've got lots of major projects and exams for uni and I've been feeling really overwhelmed. I've also been trying to do this diet/get fit thing in time for graduation (I want to look my best at the graduation ball) and I've been seeing very little/no progress. It's been frustrating.

That's already a recipe for stress and anxiety for me, but when you add in some self defeating behaviours and some hormones then it turns into a pretty nasty mess. On Tuesday I came very close to cutting, frighteningly close. I was freaking out and I didn't know how I was going to cope. In the end it was Billy Connolly who saved the day. I spent all afternoon watching his gigs on youtube and that helped to distract me long enough for my brain to essentially reboot.

So what does all this have to do with a relationship? Well back in the days when I was single all of this stuff was shit, but it didn't affect anyone else. Now when I have my "moments" I see the affect it has on my boyfriend and it tears me up. Thankfully he's never had to experience this side of things, but that also means he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He wants to help, but there's nothing he can do. I know how much that frustrates him but I don't know what to do.

I'd always figured that when you're in a relationship then you've always got someone there to help carry the burdens of life with you. But I'm beginning to realise that sometimes the other person is already too weighed down with their own burdens to help you with yours. Or sometimes instead of "a burden shared; a burden halved" it turns into "a burden shared; a burden doubled".

This is a really difficult time for me personally, and for us as a couple. I've been used to handling my depression in my own little way, not having to worry about how it affects other people. I would hide away and battle it on my own, leaving most other people oblivious to what was going on. Now I have to learn how to let someone else into that process, how to let someone else help me. I know that we love each other enough to work through this, it's going to be really hard but at the end of the day - even this shall pass.