Glorious Ruin

Silly Reasons Against Marrying a Non-Christian

A while ago I was doing some background reading to try and figure out whether it is ok to marry a non-christian or not and I found - this page. The author of the webpage gives a number of reasons why you shouldn't. However I would like to address these reasons.

* A born again believer cannot share the most important part of her life – the spiritual part – that part of you which has been united with Christ – with her husband. True, your husband will not be an active part in it, however if they love you then they will be willing to talk about it with you.

* If Christ is not the center of your husband’s life, then who or what is? (In Bob’s case it was himself) Again, fair point, and I acknowledge that they may disagree with some parts of the christian faith, but surely that's no different to any relationship, there will always be points you disagree on.

* If your husband’s moral values aren’t based on the Bible, then what ARE they based on? What does HE believe about controversial issues such as abortion, divorce, drugs, euthanasia? These are topics which you really should have discussed BEFORE GETTING MARRIED!!!

* Even closer to home, what does HE believe about how children should be disciplined? (Bob said “You smack them – then they can hate you.”) Again, this is something that should be discussed BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED! This woman obviously didn't know the man that she was marrying. Plus there are plenty of christians who hold that view and many non-christians who dont, so she cant blame this on her husband being an unbeliever - he's simply a not very nice man.

* And speaking of the children, will your husband agree with your sending them to Sunday School, taking them to church, taking part in whatever rites your church practices; or will he say that children should not be brain-washed with religion, but should be allowed to wait until they are adult, and can then make up their own minds? Again, this is something that I've already discussed with my boyfriend. I dont want my kids to be brainwashed either. I was brought up in a christian setting, and although I will take my kids to sunday school, I would never force it upon them, and I would encourage them to make up their own minds. Faith is a very personal thing, and as much as I would love for my kids to be Christians, you cant force it upon them.

* If your husband is not familiar with the idea of having a “Quiet Time” – a time you spend in reading your Bible and talking to God – is he willing to give you the time and privacy you want for this? If your husband is a decent man then when you explain to him what you are doing then he should give you the space to do it, regardless of whether he is a christian or not.

* If you going through a time when you’re not on speaking terms with God, how will you explain to your husband why you are down in the dumps, and don’t feel like talking? Because if you try to tell him, he won’t be able to understand, because the Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 2:14 says:

      The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.

(Bob’s reaction? “What the #@*!* are you crying about now?”) Again, this is simply a case of her husband being an asshole. My boyfriend would never speak to me like that. Although he might not understand the intricacies of my faith, he is remarkably supportive of it and he understands that it is between me and God and he gives us a respectful space to work things out.

* And speaking about this verse; how will he react if you tell him “I believe God wants me to join a church in a different suburb.” (Bob said, “You only want to go to that suburb for its snob value.”) I dont think my boyfriend would really care. I dont mean that in a nasty way, it's just a church is a church at the end of the day.

* Come to think of it, how are you going to explain any of God’s guidance? I admit that this is one where an unbeliever would lack the faith to see what is unseen. However if they trust you and they want the best for you, then they should back you in your decisions.

* How will your husband react if, as you mature in Christ, the Lord convicts you to stop certain practices that you currently have no qualms about? * Will there be any disagreement about the way you celebrate Christmas and Easter? Not every Christian makes a fuss over Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. (Of course my grandkids preferred their grandfather, because HE knew that Christmas and Easter were meant to be exciting times, with visits to Santa Claus, and gifts from Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.) I already hate Satan claus and have never done the easter bunny thing. As before, my boyfriend respects me enough that this wouldnt be an issue. We'd talk about it like adults and come to a decision we can both agree on. At the end of the day, any couple who get married, regardless of religious standing, will have things they dont see eye to eye on, and these things just need to be talked through.

* Will you agree on, or argue about, things like Christmas cards (The Babe in the Manger or Santa Claus), playing Bingo, buying Lotto tickets, watching R-rated shows on the TV, etc.? (Bob used to put lottery tickets inside Christmas cards that said things like “May The Prince of Peace Be With You At This Holy Time”!) This one just made my boyfriend laugh. They blatantly didn't communicate very well, either that or he was just a dick.

* What if he wants to go to – or even take you to – erotic floor-shows, etc? Since you are Christ’s, He indwells you. So Christ goes wherever you go. Well that's when you say NO. This woman vowed to obey her husband and then agreed to do everything he said and then tried to blame the bad consequences on the fact that he wasn't a christian. If my husband, christian or not, asked me to do something I wasn't happy about, I'd tell them as much, and simply refuse to do it. I'm nobody's property, and will never be treated like that.

* What if he buys you sex manuals that suggest that things like “threesomes” are fun? Then again, I'd simply say "NO". We have freedom to choose what we want to do, and any marriage where someone is forced to do things against their will is not a good marriage.

* If you decline to watch television shows you find offensive, will your husband understand, or will he feel that in rejecting that show, you are rejecting him? Seriously, WHAT? I can confidently say that any differences in opinion that me and my boyfriend have with regards to television shows, music, etc, are not taken personally. We have different tastes, we're different people. He finds things funny that I dont, and vice versa, we're cool with it.

* Has your husband had any involvement with the occult? Does he believe that astrology, fortune telling, ouija boards etc, are just innocent fun? Is he a member of a secret society? No, he prefers to keep well away from that kinda thing.

* What if his family’s life style is different from yours? (Bob’s people were lovely, but they always invited visitors to go to the local club and play Bingo, and the pokies. I don’t drink and I don’t gamble.) Well although I dont drink or gamble but I'll still go and hang out with people who are doing both.

* If you believe in giving 10% (often called a “tithe”), of your earnings to the church, how will your husband feel about it? As long as it's my money he doesn't have a problem what I do with it.

* What will happen when your husband’s planned activities for Sunday are on at the same time as your church’s services? Who gets to use the car? Seriously, grow up. Two people can share a car. How to people cope any other day of the week when their activities clash. You share!

* What do YOU see as being the respective roles of husband and wife? Does your husband agree with you? (Bob was VERY aware that God expected me to obey him, since I had promised to.) Again, this is something you should discuss BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED!

* When a major decision has to be made, who will have the final say, and on what principles will that decision be made? (Naturally I yielded to Bob. His criteria – whatever suited him best.) It should be a joint decision made between two adults.

* One example of this could well be your children’s schooling. If you want to send your children to a Christian school, will your spouse: a) Agree to this? b) Be willing to share the financial burden involved? Well the answer to that one is simple, I would NEVER send my kid to a christian school.

* How will your husband’s indifference to the Lord affect your own spiritual growth? (How greatly – and how adversely – this affected me will show up more in Marriage in a Minor Key. The over-riding phrase as far as I was concerned was “bitterness towards God”.) I think her bitterness towards God was unfair. It was her who promised to obey the guy, God didn't make her. She cant blame God for her own mistakes, after all, He died so that we could have the freedom of choice.

* Are you quietly saying to yourself: “I really love this person, and I know that he is a good-hearted person. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he comes to know the Lord”? Many people have been mistaken about this. As much as I would love for my boyfriend to become a christian I'm willing to take the risk that he wont. We've discussed things and I'm sure we can make things work even with that difference.

* Does he say that, although he doesn’t believe in God, he’s happy for you to be as religious as you want to? Do you know what God’s word says about people who don’t believe in Him? Psalm 53 says:

      The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’ They are corrupt, and their ways are vile; there is no one who does good.

Do you REALLY want to marry a fool? Well there's much worse. Remember it also says that the ways of God are foolishness to those who dont believe, so the feeling is mutual.

* With so many homes these days not only having personal computers, but also having access to the Internet, will your husband agree with you as to what kind of information to download to your hard-drive? I’m not thinking only of obvious things like pornography. I am also thinking of material that is, by its very nature, anti-Christian., e.g. anything to do with the occult. Again, this is something that you should be able to discuss. Me and my boyfriend have already discussed such issues, including what we would do if we found our child has been looking at porn. We are remarkably in agreement about all of that kinda stuff.

So my basic conclusion about her reasons against marrying a non-christian are that they dont stand up. Quite simply she didnt know the man she married, and had obviously not discussed important issues with him before vowing to obey him, and then she blamed God and the fact that her husband was a non-christian on the difficulties that followed. The above reasons should be taken into account when marrying ANYONE regardless of their religious standing. If you dont know someone then dont rush into marriage with them.

Tempted to Sin

Hmmm, it's interesting just how perfect God's timing is, especially when it comes to teaching us important lessons that we need to learn!

Today and yesterday's chapters in the purpose driven life were all about temptation. How to see it coming, how to prepare yourself for it and how to stand up under it. Interesting that it should happen right after I fell into temptation just the other night.

I have "moments", many of them, coving a wide range of different types. One of them is my weak pathetic female moments. In these moments I will seek comfort in the arms of some man. This happened a lot last year when I was living alone in a town with no friends, and lead to some of my most unpleasant experiences to date. I also had one of my moments the other day, but there was just something about this one that was different, and I think it's because I'm gradually learning and my attitude towards them is changing.

Normally it starts with me being all emotional and female (not really sure how else to describe it really, it's not something that can easily be defined by words). Basically I just really want to be with a bloke, basic carnal instincts I guess. I will seek out such company, and can be quite persuasive in obtaining it, heck it doesn't even have to be someone I like! However all throughout this I will be convincing myself in my mind that nothing is going to happen, that I wont let anything happen, and that it's all ok. I'll even be so...naive?...stupid?...blind?....as to think that "oh we'll just share the bed, nothing will happen" kinda thing.

Then, what's obvious to the rest of the world is going to happen...happens. And I'm the only one that's standing there all surprised, totally unaware of where all that stuff came from! I'm all surprised that I ended up having sex with that guy I chose to share a bed with. I cant believe that I couldn't control myself to just stick to cuddling...kissing...etc. And then I start to beat myself up over it, I get mad at myself for letting it happen, I feel guilty, and a whole ton of other crap.

Well this time, I flirted with the guy for a few days, we hung out and had a laugh, then I started to feel all needy and we went to the cinema, I invited him round, but this time I knew what was going to happen, this time I didn't deceive myself as to what was actually going on, so the next day I wasn't angry, I wasn't surprised, and I wasn't disappointed. Yes I know that what I did was wrong, but this time I don't have that ton of anger and self hatred that so often follows these kinds of moments. And I honestly believe that that's progress.

You see this time instead of being torn apart by guilt, and hating myself, I can honestly go "I'm human, I have urges and desires, now I just need to learn how to control them". I think I've learned more about how the whole temptation path starts with me, I can see where it all began much easier, and I can see where I need to draw the line. I guess this time I walked into it with my eyes open so now looking back I can see much clearer how the path goes.

Having read the last 2 chapters in the purpose driven life, and thought about what they say I think I've come to appreciate what I need to do in future to avoid these kinds of situations. I also think I can see where I've gone wrong in the past. You see I've always attempted to draw the line right at the point where we're getting physical. But by then it's too late for me. Chances are if the bloke is pushing my buttons I aint gonna have the will-power to stop and walk away. It's the same with me and alcohol. It was a while ago that I learned that I couldn't draw the line at a few drinks, because by then I'd be too weak to stop, so I chose to draw the line at no drinks. That line has served me well since and I've only crossed it on one occasion in the last 10 months.

So where does my line need to be with guys? Well to give myself some credit I have moved the line back from where it used to be. I'm not longer doing one night stands. The only guys I've been with in the last 8 months have been either boyfriends or people who I've viewed as potential boyfriend material. (yes, I still have something to learn about building the relationship before jumping in the the sex stuff, but I am getting there, honest!) However I've learned from this last weekend that the line has to get moved even further back. This last guy I was with it all started when we started to flirt and joke about how we were gonna run off to Canada together and get married. That is where the seed was planted so to speak. So that when I had my needy moment he was the person that I turned to. If I were to be married it would be wrong of me to joke about running off with someone else. In the same way, if I'm going to properly commit to this whole being single thing I need to stop joking about that kinda stuff. I recently filled out one of those questionnaire thingies, and when it asked are you available I responded with no, because I'm not available, God has requested that I come off of the "market" so to speak, so I need to be careful that I'm acting like that!

Then there is also the fact that yes, I am human, and as long as I'm on this earth I will continue to have my "moments". The moment in itself is not sinful, it is how I handle it. When I start to feel all needy I basically have to ban any one-on-one contact with any guys until after the moment has passed. So this last friday when I started to get all mopey, I shouldn't have arranged to go to the cinema with a guy, instead I should have decided to get an early night (by myself!!!!)

So, now that I've got a plan for fighting this particular temptation the next step, and most important one, is to put it into practice! I think I'm going to start by committing some scripture to memory to fall back on when I need it the most!

Goodbye Social Life

I've finally admitted that my social life is a bit too active for a 4th year undergrad, MEng student. It sucks, because I dont have a hugely active social life anyways, but it's getting in the way of precious study time.

So from now on the only social activity I'm allowed is going swimming/working out, and one cinema night a week. The rest of my time, for the next 8 weeks will be devoted to research and design projects, liquid effluent, particle technology and distillation.

The joys!!!

I guess it's a case of priorities. Up till now spending time hanging out with people FAR more important to me and my procrastination. But now the fear of failing my degree has shifted that priority balance somewhat and now I'm considering that maybe my degree should be a bit higher up the scale.

It's not the time

I never thought that the relationships I've had would affect me so much now. I had a good chat with my dear friend Laura this weekend about that. Both of us have found that previous relationships have proven to have had a much greater impact on our lives now than we would ever have thought.

As a direct result of that I've actually finished my relationship with my boyfriend. He was a great boyfriend, however there were little things he did, which through no fault of his own triggered a whole bunch of shit from the past, that I'm just not ready to deal with. And it just wasnt fair for him to have to suffer the brunt of what other people have said and done.

Yes I do understand that one day I'll have to deal with it. And I appreciate that my next relationship will be a very difficult one as I'll have to work through a lot of these issues. However I just didnt feel that my most recent relationship was the one that all these things should be resolved in. For me to bring someone else into all this rubbish I'd have to be pretty confident that we'd be staying together and that it'd be worth it for them, and to be honest I still feel too young, and just not ready for that kinda commitment.

My ex is obviously upset and is trying to tell me that I cant run from this forever. But I dont honestly think that I'm running from it right now. I'd call it more picking my battles. I've already got enough on my plate with uni at the moment to be worrying about sorting out emotional issues as well. It's time will come, and I believe that God will let me know when that time is. Because after all this isnt about ME sorting my issues out all by myself. Rather God is behind the whole healing work. He's already taken me a long way over the last few years, and I have a peace that He will finish the work He started, but in His own time. And right now is not that time.

Father, I'm Scared

Two years ago I faced a moral dilema. I have faced it since then, and again I find myself in that same place. Two years ago I made what I believe was the right choice. The times since then I've made what I view as the wrong choice. But today I'm given the chance to make the right choice again.

But Father I'm scared!

To take the morning after pill is effectively a form of abortion. I believe that no birth is an accident. If I were to be pregnant, then that life is created of God, planned by God, so who am I to then kill off that life. Do I trust God enough to know what He's doing? Am I prepared to take responsibility for my own actions? Or will I continue to run and hide from the effects of what I do?

But this time, unlike 2 years ago I've got a boyfriend, and I have to think about him too. To be fair if I am pregnant it's my own fault, so is it fair to punish him for my actions?

On my desk I have a photograph taken two years ago. After I'd decided not to take the pill, but before I knew whether I was actually pregnant or not. I'm with two ladies from my old church in the photograph and one of them is holding a new born baby. I cannot forget the emotions that were running through me at that time. I was terrified. I didnt want to hold the child because the whole idea of something so tiny and so fragile scared me. It wasnt till I reached that place of total surrender to God and His plan, whatever that may be, that He then relieved me of that burden. I've kept that picture as a visual reminder of what faith in God looks like.

In some ways I could view this as a new opportunity, another chance to do the right thing. A lot has happened in the last 2 years, and in some ways God has brought me full circle. Do I have the faith to trust Him now?

I dont know. All I know is that I'm scared.

Body Building

I've been contemplating body building for quite a while now, but I've not mentioned it on here as of yet because it's not something that i would ever want to take on lightly so I've just spent the last while thinking about it. I've mentioned it to quite a few of my friends and stuff and it's amazing how much of a negative response you can get to those closest to you when you decide to make a positive decision.

what hasn't helped is everyone's misconceptions about what body building means for a female. everyone thinks I'm going to become some muscle bound freak. my brother, altho he is not a body builder himself, has always looked to the body building world for advice on health issues because to be honest, they know what they're talking about. and now that he is going to be helping me with my diet and exercise we will most probably be using a body building website to get most of my routines from. the general principle of body building is to develop the body to it's best possible condition. for men that often means quite a lot of muscle mass. however for women, since we dint have as much testosterone, no matter how much we work out we cannot go past a certain degree of muscle mass, at least not without the help of drugs. and since I'm straight edge any drug use is obviously against my principles.

so body building for me will mean eating well, working out, and generally looking after this body that God has given me. i probably will not compete, so i will never be quite so defined as some of the female body builders out there, however i hope to be very toned with relative strength.

there are a number of things that have made me come to this decision. first of all my depression. i need to start looking after my body more, because a healthy body leads to a healthy mind. i also need the routine, i need to develop self discipline, i have a character that needs shaping as well as my body.

secondly, I've always preferred athletic, fit bodies. as a kid i was skinny, but now as a student I've put on a bit of weight. every guy that i know likes me just the way i am and doesn't want me to lose any weight, but I'm not happy with the way i am. i can stay as i am and please everyone else but be unhappy in myself, or i can chose to look after myself and be in a shape that i feel more comfortable in. to be fair any weight that i lose as fat will most probably be put right back on again as muscle. here's how I'd like to look - shoulder picture. and as I've been thinking, what's the use with me being with someone who likes me for who i am right now if i dint like me as i am right now and i have every intention of changing? surely it'd be better if they like me for who i want to be as well?

and i guess the last reason is quite a simple one. i eventually want to one day own a ranch and work on it full time. for that I'll need some strength. so i guess it's about time i started to build up my strength because i know I'm pathetically weak!

Time to call in the help

i think i'm going to go to the doctors soon about my depression, but also about my brain, it just aint been working properly for a while and i dont know why. is it linked to my depression? i have no idea. all, i know is that my memory is totally shot right now. friends will tell me when they're free during the week to meet up and i'll completely forget. i cant remember any arrangements i've made unless i've gotten them written down. i'm forgetting everything right now and it's really scaring me now. my sense of time is completely gone, like this last week only feels like it was 2 days long. i blinked and i missed an entire week! which of course means deadlines for coursework and exams are getting even closer and i'm in no ways anymore prepared. right now i feel like a rabbit trapped in headlights, i'm too petrified to move! i cant fail this year, it's my second to last year!!!! my whole degree depends on how i'm doing right now, this is not a good time to be ill like this!!!!

so i'm going to go speak to my doctor, and i'm going to go speak to my mentor at university. he's quite understanding. i'll see what i can do about getting help with all this, because i dont want to fail, even tho i HATE my degree i still want to pass it, i want to finish it! i'm just so tired tho! and of course maybe it's time i started to ask for help from the one person who can help me the most... my Daddy. after all He knows everything there is to know about particle technology, and separation processes, and adsorption, and all that crap, because He wrote the book on it all.

when i'm feeling really depressed there's always some well wisher who makes the comment "but you have everything going for you, you can do anything with your life". well sometimes that horizon is just a bit too broad, that freedom is just too terrifying. sometimes i envy those who only have the one choice for their future, they dont have to make any massive live changing decisions, they cant screw their entire lives up by picking the wrong vocation. what use is having intellect if it shuts down when you need it most?