Glorious Ruin

I dont want to be here

What do you do when as long as you can remember you've escaped reality whenever you didn't like the look of it? As a small child when you got bullied at school and had no friends you'd escape into an imaginary world found in books that was further developed in your head. And now as an adult you find yourself flying away from the reality that you don't to accept. A massive pile of coursework, but all you can do is stare out of the window at the birds in the trees. There's not enough hours in the day, and yet here I am killing time.

Yesterday I was with a bunch of people from my class. We were talking about ligers and mules. I became animated, this was a subject where I knew what I was talking about. I corrected my fellow classmates on their misconceptions and I educated them about hybrid breeds of animals from information I learned as a child. When I was a kid I loved animals and I would spend hours reading through the encyclopaedias to learn more about them. I never thought that the knowledge would come in useful, and yet now I find myself dynamically talking about it. But if you were to ask me about my degree subject I wouldn't be able to talk intelligently about it for longer than 2 minutes. I don't have a grasp of what I've been taught, because I don't care about it. I have never done extra reading simply because I found the subject interesting. In high school I took on an extra class simply because I found the subject fascinating, that's never happened since. I cant help but think that I've lost my way at some point.

I want to be the kind of person who jumps out of bed in the mornings, all excited about what I've got in store for me that day. Instead I find myself having to drag my ass out of bed every morning, fighting the urge to just pull the covers over my head and disappear off into an imaginary world.

I genuinely don't know where I'm going. I feel lost and I don't like it.

What a Phone Call!

It's not often that I get off the phone and I feel exhausted. A while ago I posted a very upset and hurt post about something that someone had said to me. A friend said something out of genuine concern but what they had to say was offensive to me and I got really upset. Most of that is my fault. I'll admit now that I get extremely defensive, especially when I know I'm wrong. And there are times that I take offence at the slightest thing. Well today is the first time that we've spoken since then. I'll admit when they first spoke to me on msn I was a bit off about speaking to them. But at the same time I don't like conflict, so I spoke to him. He asked if he could call to try and discuss things further and I figured that would be better than trying to sort things out on msn where tone of voice is lost.

We just had a very long phone call. This time around I upset him with a lot of the things I was saying rather than him just upsetting me. But he also gave me a lot to think about. I have to take my hat off to him. I'm not easy to talk to about this kind of stuff. When someone challenges me I always react negatively and will come out with 101 excuses and fight back against them. It's not until I've gone away and thought about it that I'll actually realise that they're right and be humbled and if they're lucky I'll admit as much to them. But my own arrogance means that at the time I'll refuse to back down, even if I already know they're right deep down. So some of the points to note from the conversation.

• He said I need to be going to church. I already knew that and was actually already considering starting to attend the chaplaincy on campus. However I argued with him for a while giving a ton of reasons why I've not been going, some good, some rubbish.
• He suggested a daily devotional that he reads online. That's good because I really need to get back into spending time with God.
• He hauled me up on me always slagging off christians. In fact he got really upset about it. and he's right. me ripping the church apart, pointing out their faults, it's not helping anyone. as my dad always says, if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. I need to remember that they're God's people and that He loves them. And that He's asked me to do the same. So that's something I need to work on. And I'll most definitely need God's help on that one!

Then there was the really big issues. The ones that have left me exhausted. The issues that I've not been thinking about right now simply because I know that they're huge issues, and once that can of worms has been opened it wont close again until all of the worms have been dealt with. And right now, in my final year of my degree, I simply dont want to have to deal with it. I mean I've just lost 4 hours of work today because of it. That's time I cant afford to lose. And yet some people would argue that with stuff this important I should be taking the time.

But right now i'm just too tired. I was going to post about it all with all my thoughts and feelings. But right now there's just too many, and I'm worn out. I think I might go and cry.

What do you do?

What do you do when your oldest and best-est friend is destroying them self with drugs and a generally unhealthy lifestyle?

Especially when you have sorta been there yourself. I would have hoped that my example would have been enough for her. I would have hoped that she'd have learned from my lessons. But sadly not only has she not learned, but she's taking it to whole new levels.

A few years ago I was in a really bad place. I was trying to destroy my own life. I got involved with people who cannot be termed as friends as they were happy to sit back and watch me sink into really bad depression caused by my actions and lifestyle. I struggled with alcohol. I struggled with unhealthy relationships. I dabbled into drugs, but thankfully I never got properly involved in them. It all ended in me self harming, hating myself and being pretty messed up.

Thankfully for me I had a few real friends who never gave up on me and a great big God who's helped me to repair a lot of the damage that I did to myself. He has helped to heal my mind and heart and carried me when I was incapable of going any further. And now He has given me a fantastic boyfriend who's continuing the work. A lot of my success in getting out of such a dark place was in making some good decisions. Like to stop drinking. To cut certain people out of my life. To stop going out to certain places. Many of these decisions were hard to make. I knew I had to make them for a long time before I was prepared to make them. But I got there.

So now with my friend there's so many solutions that I know would help to sort her out. But until she's ready to give up certain things she wont be ready to make the right decisions. In the meanwhile it's so hard to sit back and see her hurt herself. Also there's that niggle of, what if she never is ready to change? What if she just isn't willing to give up the drugs, and the lifestyle? And then there's the knowledge that even if she does sort her act out, I know from my own experience that she'll find that her past actions will follow her and make her future more difficult than it would have been otherwise.

I guess I now know how my friends felt when I was messing things up for myself. And I guess I also now have a better idea how God feels/works and how the whole heaven and hell thing works. I've been struggling for some time with the idea of heaven and hell. And I guess it all comes down to the choice of what do we want more - Sin or God? I guess on that final judgement day the decision isn't so much God's as ours as to where we spend eternity. Some people are just never ready to give up on the things that destroy them. But because we've been given free choice, there's nothing anyone else can do about it, not even God Himself. Because to take away that freedom of choice would render the Cross of Christ worthless and completely undermine everything that He stands for. But at the same time, this pain that I feel watching my friend, God feels that same pain a millionfold for every single person who's doing the same thing. That's a whole lot of pain. Seems kinda odd then when people blame God for the pain and suffering in the world. Or when they blame Him for the whole of hell. When in fact He has not condemned anyone to hell, we condemn ourselves and He's done everything in His power to save us. I think I shall have to work on my thoughts on this subject further in another post.

The end of another year.

At this precise moment in time, in my current mindset, the best illustration for this past year is my bookshelf. On it sit many books that I bought years ago with high intentions to read them cover to cover, taking notes, absorbing their content and applying it to my life. These very same books I pledged to spend an hour a day reading this time last year. Today, they still sit untouched on my bookshelf. Tomorrow I am going to pack them away and take them home to my parent's house to put into storage. Who am I kidding? They're not going to get read anytime soon.

Some people might defend me and say that I bit off more than I could chew in my final year at university. That I shouldn't feel bad if I've not lost the weight, read the books, learned the new skills, gotten the grades that I set out to. Hey, you've had a lot on your plate, you're doing just fine. But part of me just isnt satisfied with that. I grew up reading stories of people who achieved incredible things under exceptional circumstances. I always wanted to be like that. The kind of person who could get to the top of their game whilst still battling insane challenges and perfoming incredible feats. Instead I find myself scraping a pass, feeling like I'm lagging way behind the rest of my class, while my coursework piles up around me and I have absolutely nothing else that I can say I have achieved. I had a job application form to fill in that I didnt. I pretended it was because the location of the job didnt suit me, but to be honest, the only reason why I didnt fill out that application form was because for the question "what has been your greatest achievement to date?" I didnt have an answer. I look at the past 22 years and I wonder, what the hell do I have to show for myself?

I used to take solace in the fact that although I've not gotten to where I wanted to be, I've still made some progress, but I'm sick of always being behind schedule. I'm sick of never being the person that I want to be. I'm sick of being a work in progress. And what I find the most frustrating is the knowledge that the only thing that has ever stood in my way is myself. My own short attention span, my incredibly accurate ostrich impression, my lack of follow through. If only I could set a goal for myself and actually meet it, without making up excuses for why I never achieved it .

I know that this next year the last thing I need is more resolutions that I know I'll never keep. But what I really want this next year is some strength and self discipline to actually achieve my goals, and some love for myself, some belief in myself to spur me on. Love your neighbour as yourself starts with learning to love yourself in the first place.

This post started with me feeling pretty pissed off at myself, and pretty sorry for myself at the same time. But I always like to finish on a positive note. So this next year, the following verse will be my motto. Tomorrow I will pin it up on my wall above my bed so that I see it every morning when I wake, and every night before I fall asleep. I, in myself, am nothing. But praise God, I am not alone. There's hope for me yet!

" For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7.

Nothing Worse

There is nothing worse than that feeling that you've messed up, but you don't know what do to about it. Or that feeling that someone you love is slipping through your fingers. Even if it's just for a moment, and things will work themselves out, it's still terrifying.

I guess it's times like these that you realise what's really important. And suddenly all of my reasoning seems ridiculous. So I'll compromise, I'll go half way, hell I'll go all the way and do whatever it takes. I'll even do the thing that scares me.

Where am I? Where is God?

I honestly don't know any more. Well, I know where God is, He's where He's always been. But I honestly have no idea where I am in relation to Him any more. Why this uncertainty? Well quite simply, Christians.

I just had a conversation with someone who I hold dear to my heart, and they just said to me "Jesus is coming soon, don't be left behind". Which to me reads as "get your act together or you're not going to heaven." Now to me that just seems unfair. I mean it's bad enough that Christians go around telling non-believers that they're not getting into heaven, but now believers who aren't quite so "holy" as other believers ain't getting in either! Now I understand the principle that some people who claim to be Christians aren't as it's more than words. And I know that I'm not the ideal, perfect example of Godly living, but I take offence to someone basically saying I no longer qualify as being a Christian. After all what are the requirements for being saved? Well last time I read John 3:16 it was believing in Jesus Christ. Well I've believed in Him since I was 3! Despite the ups and downs of my life, that has never changed and I know in my heart that I have never been rejected by God. So who is man to tell me that I might have been? Who is man to judge such a thing?

I'm quite wound up now, that's one of my biggest issues with Christians right now. How they like to decide who does and doesn't get into heaven, while a quick flick through my bible convinces me that THAT IS NOT MAN'S TERRITORY! God and ONLY GOD is able to make that choice and He strictly commands us not to go anywhere near there! As you are judged so you will be judged!

All of this kinda crap makes me reject the title of Christian. I used to be a "good little christian" like the ones you see at church, but I honestly don't want to go back to that. Now don't get me wrong, I really really want to be more holy. And I do honestly want to live my life for God. I'm just struggling with the religious bullshit I see at church so much. My issue isn't with God, it's His people who He asks me to love that I have the issues with. In my eyes I still very much view myself as an outsider in Christian circles, almost like I'm a saved, believing non-Christian, if such a thing is possible.

So yeah, right now I'm just kinda lost here not knowing where I am or where I belong any more. And Christmas time doesn't really help with all of the ridiculous hypocrisy surround this PAGAN festival. I want to be a good example of a Christian for my boyfriend because I honestly want him to discover God for himself, because I do believe in God and I love Him and I couldn't live without Him, whether He has a central position in my life or not and I would like my boyfriend to be a part of all of that. But I just cant bring myself to go back to that "Christian zone" where I used to be. I guess I need to get back into reading my Bible, but as a final year MEng student, I don't have a great amount of time free, and I know God appreciates that, since it was His idea that I do this course in the first place!

Live Every Day Like it's Your Last...

...What a pile of bollocks!

I mean seriously, have you thought about that stupid little cliche for a moment? Sure it sounds lovely, tell you're loved ones that you love them and all that jazz. But what about all those everyday, boring things that need to be done. Laundry? but it's my last day on earth! Writing that boring report? But I might die tonight!

Yeah, nobody would get very far.

As you may have noticed, I've been working far too hard, for far too long. I noticed it's almost been a month since I last posted. And guess what I've been doing that entire month?

Well I'll give you a clue, I'm a student.

Drinking and partying you say? No fucking chance!

How about another clue? I'm a final year student.

Yup, that's right, I've been busting a gut, over a degree I gave up caring about 4 years ago, just to get a dumb bit of paper. Good thing I'm planning on living beyond today, otherwise this would all be pretty fucking useless.

So not only have I had just about no social life since September, I now have the pleasure of looking forwards to working my ass off over the entire of the Christmas holidays. So while the rest of you stuff yourselves silly with turkey, I'll be doing heat engine tutorials and reading up on life cycle assessment methodology. Merry Christmas!

My mother

It's been interesting over the years picking up bits and pieces about my mother that have given me an insight into who she is and the life that she's lived. She has never talked much about her childhood, her college years, or her marriage, even though in amongst all that there must have been some outstanding experiences. My dad has always been good at talking about his past and sharing his experiences with us, so I feel that I know my dad much better, whereas with my mother it's a like a jigsaw puzzle with most of the pieces missing, trying to fit the pieces together and guessing the rest.

What I know: my mother grew up on a farm with 6 other siblings. She was the eldest. Her father wanted to be an electrician but was stuck being a farmer, so there was no doubt a great deal of frustration in the whole thing for him. He's quite a difficult man, strict and with a temper. I was never sure as a kid whether he was joking or not. My mum has hinted that it was difficult growing up with him as a father, but apart from that she's given no other clues as to whether she was happy. The fact that she never talks about it makes me assume that she wasnt.

She then left all this behind to move to the City to study. Which since I've done for myself I can appreciate how difficult this must have been. Leaving a small rural island lifestyle for the big city is a shock to the system. But she never speaks about this period of her life either. I know that she struggles with exams. She's intelligent but just gets mind blocks in exams and so never finished her course. She was good friends with her flatmate and they still stay in touch. It was during her college years that she met my dad. He was a sailor stationed in the port and they met and fell in love. From this point on everything that I know about my mum has mostly come from him.

She left everything she knew behind for the second time in her life and moved to the states to marry my father. I know that she suffered from the culture shock. Everything was bigger and louder and she struggled at first. She's said that they almost didnt survive their first year of marriage, but never elaborated on that. She then got used to a regular pattern of moving every few years. Me and my siblings were all born in different states. Moving 9 times in 12 years of marriage must have been stressful. As was raising 3 kids with my dad away half the time. From what I gather she was relatively happy in some of the places that we lived, not so much in others. But that's just a guess. She once let it slip how much she hated leaving friends behind each time she moved. It makes me think she might have just stopped making so many friends so as to make the moving process less painful.

We then moved back home for her. She'd been away for a long time and I dont think she felt like she belonged there anymore (if she ever did feel that she belonged). Dad was stationed abroad and mum was under a lot of stress with our house being built and getting a job. My brother and I found letters that she wrote to dad during this period and it was eye opening. I never realised just how difficult it was for her at the time. Although geographically we had settled down, my mother never did mentally. I think only now, over 15 years later, has she really started to make that house her home. In that period she's worked away at a job that's beneath her, that she's obviously not enjoyed, but there's just not been any other jobs for her. She never had any hobbies until we started to get involved with activities, she then started to get involved too. She never really made any real friends either. She spends a lot of time alone now when dad's not there, even though she's surrounded by her siblings. I wudnt say that she's happy. She just plods along.

So looking back over my mum's life I see a lot of frustration, a lot of wasted talent, a lot of sacrifice. She gave up a lot when she married my dad and took on the life associated with that, and she gave up even more for us kids. She's got an adventurous spirit and courage, after all she had the guts to go across the world and take on a new life, not so many people would have dared. Nobody else from her family has really lived further than 30 miles from the family home. She's shown a great deal of strength and independence in coping with everything when dad was away. She's quite a closed person, she doesnt discuss her own feelings and experiences, she's very conservative - it was the way she was brought up. She just gets on with things. Understanding all of this helps me to understand her. I love my mother, I'm extremely proud of her. She did a great job of raising us kids and looking after us all. She might not have got everything right, but she did her best and it was pretty damn good. It's my hope that over the next few decades of her life that she'll really come into her own and that she'll be happy. She deserves it!

Healthy Self-harm?

Most everyone knows about the obvious methods of self harm. Cutting yourself, burning yourself, hitting yourself. Causing yourself pain, punishing yourself, or letting off steam.

But what about the more common forms of self harm that nobody even recognises as being self harm in the first place?

What am I talking about? Working out.

So many people go to the gym and punish their bodies. They may be letting off steam after a stressful day at work. Or venting frustration about their personal lives. Or they might be punishing themselves for being what they perceive as fat or weak.

I've been wondering, how is this any different from any other form of self harm? I guess it's more acceptable because it doesn't leave nasty scars, and it gets you fit. But the mentality behind it is the same.

Or is it because these people are directing their mental state into a more "healthy" form and finding a better method of release?

It's probably the latter. But what I can't help but wonder is, did these people make the conscious decision to release in this healthy way, or did they simply not think of the other methods? If they had thought of the other methods would they still be busting their ass in the gym, or would they be cutting and burning behind closed doors?

Success is a funny thing

Bebo is interesting. I've just been flicking through pictures of people I went to school with. They're in a different world from me now. It makes me so grateful I got off the island when I got the chance. People my age (21) who look like they're more like 31. Unemployed. Homeless. (and yet they have a bebo page, I find that mildly amusing). A lot of the girls already have kids in tow.

I have to admit I get some satisfaction at seeing people who bullied me at school amounting to nothing. Give me a few years and I'll be earning double what they do. They'll still be going to the same pubs, seeing the same faces and I'll be half way across the world cramming in all the new experiences I can.

And yet it makes me wonder. What defines success? Who's to say that some of them aren't happy with their existence? I mean if they've never aimed for anything more than that, then surely they've achieved all they set out to, and therefore have been successful. Take my sister for example. I used to think she'd wasted herself. She has no career, just 2 kids. But now I'm beginning to wonder maybe that's enough for her. Maybe that's all she needs to be happy. Sure she'll always be penny pinching for the rest of her life, but who says she wont be happier than me in the long run?

Maybe those people are happy with crap jobs and rubbish places to live. Going out every weekend to do drugs and get trashed. Same shit different day.

But that kinda life aint for me. I want more. And I'm gonna get it. And I have no misgivings about leaving them all behind.