Glorious Ruin

Lethargy

Staring blankly out of the window
Time skips by.
Mechanically going through pre-programmed activities
But with the power supply disconnected.
Even typical distractions have lost their appeal.
No energy, even my heart seems to stop.
And yet life races on, passing me by.
Who am I?
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
I don't know.

Silly Reasons Against Marrying a Non-Christian

A while ago I was doing some background reading to try and figure out whether it is ok to marry a non-christian or not and I found - this page. The author of the webpage gives a number of reasons why you shouldn't. However I would like to address these reasons.

* A born again believer cannot share the most important part of her life – the spiritual part – that part of you which has been united with Christ – with her husband. True, your husband will not be an active part in it, however if they love you then they will be willing to talk about it with you.

* If Christ is not the center of your husband’s life, then who or what is? (In Bob’s case it was himself) Again, fair point, and I acknowledge that they may disagree with some parts of the christian faith, but surely that's no different to any relationship, there will always be points you disagree on.

* If your husband’s moral values aren’t based on the Bible, then what ARE they based on? What does HE believe about controversial issues such as abortion, divorce, drugs, euthanasia? These are topics which you really should have discussed BEFORE GETTING MARRIED!!!

* Even closer to home, what does HE believe about how children should be disciplined? (Bob said “You smack them – then they can hate you.”) Again, this is something that should be discussed BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED! This woman obviously didn't know the man that she was marrying. Plus there are plenty of christians who hold that view and many non-christians who dont, so she cant blame this on her husband being an unbeliever - he's simply a not very nice man.

* And speaking of the children, will your husband agree with your sending them to Sunday School, taking them to church, taking part in whatever rites your church practices; or will he say that children should not be brain-washed with religion, but should be allowed to wait until they are adult, and can then make up their own minds? Again, this is something that I've already discussed with my boyfriend. I dont want my kids to be brainwashed either. I was brought up in a christian setting, and although I will take my kids to sunday school, I would never force it upon them, and I would encourage them to make up their own minds. Faith is a very personal thing, and as much as I would love for my kids to be Christians, you cant force it upon them.

* If your husband is not familiar with the idea of having a “Quiet Time” – a time you spend in reading your Bible and talking to God – is he willing to give you the time and privacy you want for this? If your husband is a decent man then when you explain to him what you are doing then he should give you the space to do it, regardless of whether he is a christian or not.

* If you going through a time when you’re not on speaking terms with God, how will you explain to your husband why you are down in the dumps, and don’t feel like talking? Because if you try to tell him, he won’t be able to understand, because the Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 2:14 says:

      The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.

(Bob’s reaction? “What the #@*!* are you crying about now?”) Again, this is simply a case of her husband being an asshole. My boyfriend would never speak to me like that. Although he might not understand the intricacies of my faith, he is remarkably supportive of it and he understands that it is between me and God and he gives us a respectful space to work things out.

* And speaking about this verse; how will he react if you tell him “I believe God wants me to join a church in a different suburb.” (Bob said, “You only want to go to that suburb for its snob value.”) I dont think my boyfriend would really care. I dont mean that in a nasty way, it's just a church is a church at the end of the day.

* Come to think of it, how are you going to explain any of God’s guidance? I admit that this is one where an unbeliever would lack the faith to see what is unseen. However if they trust you and they want the best for you, then they should back you in your decisions.

* How will your husband react if, as you mature in Christ, the Lord convicts you to stop certain practices that you currently have no qualms about? * Will there be any disagreement about the way you celebrate Christmas and Easter? Not every Christian makes a fuss over Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. (Of course my grandkids preferred their grandfather, because HE knew that Christmas and Easter were meant to be exciting times, with visits to Santa Claus, and gifts from Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.) I already hate Satan claus and have never done the easter bunny thing. As before, my boyfriend respects me enough that this wouldnt be an issue. We'd talk about it like adults and come to a decision we can both agree on. At the end of the day, any couple who get married, regardless of religious standing, will have things they dont see eye to eye on, and these things just need to be talked through.

* Will you agree on, or argue about, things like Christmas cards (The Babe in the Manger or Santa Claus), playing Bingo, buying Lotto tickets, watching R-rated shows on the TV, etc.? (Bob used to put lottery tickets inside Christmas cards that said things like “May The Prince of Peace Be With You At This Holy Time”!) This one just made my boyfriend laugh. They blatantly didn't communicate very well, either that or he was just a dick.

* What if he wants to go to – or even take you to – erotic floor-shows, etc? Since you are Christ’s, He indwells you. So Christ goes wherever you go. Well that's when you say NO. This woman vowed to obey her husband and then agreed to do everything he said and then tried to blame the bad consequences on the fact that he wasn't a christian. If my husband, christian or not, asked me to do something I wasn't happy about, I'd tell them as much, and simply refuse to do it. I'm nobody's property, and will never be treated like that.

* What if he buys you sex manuals that suggest that things like “threesomes” are fun? Then again, I'd simply say "NO". We have freedom to choose what we want to do, and any marriage where someone is forced to do things against their will is not a good marriage.

* If you decline to watch television shows you find offensive, will your husband understand, or will he feel that in rejecting that show, you are rejecting him? Seriously, WHAT? I can confidently say that any differences in opinion that me and my boyfriend have with regards to television shows, music, etc, are not taken personally. We have different tastes, we're different people. He finds things funny that I dont, and vice versa, we're cool with it.

* Has your husband had any involvement with the occult? Does he believe that astrology, fortune telling, ouija boards etc, are just innocent fun? Is he a member of a secret society? No, he prefers to keep well away from that kinda thing.

* What if his family’s life style is different from yours? (Bob’s people were lovely, but they always invited visitors to go to the local club and play Bingo, and the pokies. I don’t drink and I don’t gamble.) Well although I dont drink or gamble but I'll still go and hang out with people who are doing both.

* If you believe in giving 10% (often called a “tithe”), of your earnings to the church, how will your husband feel about it? As long as it's my money he doesn't have a problem what I do with it.

* What will happen when your husband’s planned activities for Sunday are on at the same time as your church’s services? Who gets to use the car? Seriously, grow up. Two people can share a car. How to people cope any other day of the week when their activities clash. You share!

* What do YOU see as being the respective roles of husband and wife? Does your husband agree with you? (Bob was VERY aware that God expected me to obey him, since I had promised to.) Again, this is something you should discuss BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED!

* When a major decision has to be made, who will have the final say, and on what principles will that decision be made? (Naturally I yielded to Bob. His criteria – whatever suited him best.) It should be a joint decision made between two adults.

* One example of this could well be your children’s schooling. If you want to send your children to a Christian school, will your spouse: a) Agree to this? b) Be willing to share the financial burden involved? Well the answer to that one is simple, I would NEVER send my kid to a christian school.

* How will your husband’s indifference to the Lord affect your own spiritual growth? (How greatly – and how adversely – this affected me will show up more in Marriage in a Minor Key. The over-riding phrase as far as I was concerned was “bitterness towards God”.) I think her bitterness towards God was unfair. It was her who promised to obey the guy, God didn't make her. She cant blame God for her own mistakes, after all, He died so that we could have the freedom of choice.

* Are you quietly saying to yourself: “I really love this person, and I know that he is a good-hearted person. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he comes to know the Lord”? Many people have been mistaken about this. As much as I would love for my boyfriend to become a christian I'm willing to take the risk that he wont. We've discussed things and I'm sure we can make things work even with that difference.

* Does he say that, although he doesn’t believe in God, he’s happy for you to be as religious as you want to? Do you know what God’s word says about people who don’t believe in Him? Psalm 53 says:

      The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’ They are corrupt, and their ways are vile; there is no one who does good.

Do you REALLY want to marry a fool? Well there's much worse. Remember it also says that the ways of God are foolishness to those who dont believe, so the feeling is mutual.

* With so many homes these days not only having personal computers, but also having access to the Internet, will your husband agree with you as to what kind of information to download to your hard-drive? I’m not thinking only of obvious things like pornography. I am also thinking of material that is, by its very nature, anti-Christian., e.g. anything to do with the occult. Again, this is something that you should be able to discuss. Me and my boyfriend have already discussed such issues, including what we would do if we found our child has been looking at porn. We are remarkably in agreement about all of that kinda stuff.

So my basic conclusion about her reasons against marrying a non-christian are that they dont stand up. Quite simply she didnt know the man she married, and had obviously not discussed important issues with him before vowing to obey him, and then she blamed God and the fact that her husband was a non-christian on the difficulties that followed. The above reasons should be taken into account when marrying ANYONE regardless of their religious standing. If you dont know someone then dont rush into marriage with them.

The Believer's Creed

After my conversation with my friend earlier today I stopped and took stock of my situation. I have been overwhelmed with confusion about what I believe and was swamped with all of the doctrinal arguments that us christians dont seem able to agree on. So I figured a good place to start would be to go back to the basis of Christian faith and to check whether I still believe that. So I turned - here - to the Apostle's Creed, which clearly lays down the basis of Christian faith and I read what it had to say. The Apostle's Creed is as follows:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord. He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit, and born of the Virgin Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and buried. He descended to the dead. On the third day He rose again. He ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again to Judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen.

Reading over this creed was such an affirming exercise. I can honestly say that I believe in all of the above, I am still a Christian, despite what some people may say. And it's encouraged me to pursue my faith and to work out my salvation to the best of my ability. Just remembering that God is for me and not against me has been such an encouragement. It's so easy to get caught up in the details of "religion" and to lose sight of the basic foundations of our faith.

"Encourage one another

....and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11.

I have been struggling really badly the last few weeks. Although I thought I had reached a conclusion with regards to the non-christian boyfriend, a few days later my world was in turmoil again. My faith has been shaken to it's very core and I came to find that I no longer know who God is. In my mind He has evolved into this jerk who likes to stomp all over everything that makes me happy and takes some sick pleasure in taking away things that are precious to me. As soon as I get attached to something He takes it away. And so now faced with the thought that He might make me chose between my boyfriend and Him, the thought tore me apart, and so I chose the person who wouldn't make me make such a difficult decision - my boyfriend, and shunned God and everything relating to Him. For a while I tried to find out more about what God was saying about this, but it seemed that everywhere I turned I got a different point of view and the Christians I was speaking to were less than useful.

But today, for the first time in a long time, I have been truly blessed by a dear friend who spoke words of encouragement. I'll post the basics of what she said below.

With regards to the whole comment that I'll be going to hell that a fellow christian made, my friend said "Ellie, only God knows that, not your friend. They don't know, unless they've been there then that's the only way they'll know."

My friend then said "only you know what God is saying to you". To which I responded with "that's the thing, I've not heard from Him in a while. I got so far away from Him all I can hear is myself and other people. And other people are giving me contrasting views. And my head is basically telling me that as soon as you get attached to something then God takes it away."

To which my friend responded with "that's not God speaking. The thing is Satan isn't going to want you to be close to God and tries confusion to stop us from getting anywhere. But you know if it all gets too much you can always run back to God.

I just think humans make too many mistakes to judge others. You can't say to someone they're wrong doing stuff, cause in the next minute or so you'll sin as well as them, and God doesn't have grades of sin."

I pointed out that "I've been trying to figure out right and wrong from what people are saying, and that's a pretty uneven standard." To which she said "yip, I'd stop listening to everyone else, they don't have the answers, God does."

I was all "I think I need to get back to my bible" and she said "that's where the answers are."

But then I pointed out my fear that if I do talk to God then I'll find out that being with a non-christian is wrong. And I said "as wrong as this may sound, right now part of me wants to leave it until we're legally married, then it'll be too late to fix. Cuz even if being with my boyfriend is wrong and I'll get punished for it or miss out on something, I'd rather have the punishment."

To which my friend responded with "You won't get punished. One thing I've learned is God doesn't deal with us like that. That is a fear that's been put in you, not from God. The bible says He gives us the desires of our hearts, and if that's what your boyfriend is then you only need to ask."

I said that I like to think that God lets us make our own mistakes and that we then have to live with the consequences, but we still have the freedom of choice. To which my friend said "we do have the freedom of choice, that's why we get so confused I think, cause it gives Satan an opening. And we either chose the right way or the wrong way. Either way, God isn't surprised what we chose, He doesn't think 'man, I didnt know they'd end up here, I'll need to fix that!' He knows, He's just waiting for us to ask for His help. It's no surprise to Him we're not perfect."

I pointed out that when me and my boyfriend got together I was so sure it was right and that I had God's blessing, and then Christians started to say things that caused me to doubt. And my friend said "I think they get concerned, and then they start condemning, but I love how the Biblie says we are no longer under condemnation. Satan used them to make us feel like we are the worst thing living, and we're the worst christians out there. Truth is God loves us and Jesus so loved us that He went to the cross for us cause He knew we would need it so when we mess up, we mess up. It's not how you start, it's how you finish."

I thanked her for being so encouraging and let her know what a blessing she was to me and she just responded with "that's what friends are for. Just stay encouraged, know that God isn't mad, He's not planning punishment. He's still there and still crazy about you, and the good thing is, He always will be."

What my friend had to say blessed me so much. It's all truths that I know/knew, but they've gotten buried underneath all of the other crap, so I'm writing them here on the off chance that they encourage someone else, but even just for myself, so that I have this reminder for when I need it. I forgot all about Satan in this struggle I've been having, I forgot that he would be seeking for a way to drive me and God apart and that he is the master of lies and deception. He twists words, and worst of all he twists God's words so that we doubt and question God.

"We Need to Talk About Kevin"

I have just finished listening to the BBC Dramatised story "We need to talk about Kevin", and it is a fantastic story. I'm not saying that the subject is fantastic, more the thought processes behind the writing.

The basic story is this. A mother is writing letters to her husband, recounting the events that lead up to her son going on a killing spree, desperately trying to figure out if it was her fault.

The first thing that hit me about this story is the mother instinct aspect. Ever since he was born, she was unable to connect with her son and throughout his childhood the mother HATED the son. He had ruined her marriage, ruined her career, ruined everything that she held dear. And as much as she tried to connect with him, her son hated her too. He would go out of his way to be malicious against her. Purposely destroying things that she held dear, knowing the pain he would cause.

And yet her husband was completely oblivious to everything. He thought his wife was being stupid. In his eyes his son was perfect. A sweet little boy. Hence the ruined marriage. His son could do no wrong, and his wife was always falsely accusing him of all sorts of horrible things.

For me the thought that I might too have a child that I cannot connect to is terrifying. To be honest something I've never considered before. I always assumed that it would all just clicked. I like a story to take me on an emotional journey. To make me ask myself, what would I do in that situation? And to be honest, I have no idea. The thought of that feeling of isolation from your husband, the very one you'd expect to stand by you during such a difficult time. Yes, this story affected me deeply.

However the second thing about the story that hit home was the ending. I will try not to spoil it on the off chance that someone else might want to read it. But I was astounded at the reactions of the two parents to what their son ended up doing. The father who thought his son could do no wrong was at first disbelieving, and then disappointed. His whole world must have crumbled in that moment. He did not know his son. And to discover that the lovely little boy he bestowed his love onto suddenly became a monster overnight, or at least it would have seemed like it to him, must have destroyed him.

On the other hand. The mother who always thought the worst of her son, who knew what a little shit he could be, she was not surprised, or disappointed. She knew her son for who he was. And when it was all said and done, she was the one to visit her son every week in prison, and ultimately stood by him and accepted him for who and what he was. He was her son.

And the third thing to strike me about this story, is the insight it gave the listener/reader into the mind of a killer (fictional it maybe, but intriguing none the less). The way that he viewed his parents. The way that he viewed other people. The subconscious reasoning behind his actions, reasons he was unaware of but his mother managed to partially unravel. There are the little insights into the few occasions when son and mother did unite, for brief moments, which are surprising to say the least. And then there is his moments of vulnerability, when the killer façade is dropped, and you see that he is just a child in need of comfort.

All in all a very well thought out story. Very well written. As I said before, I like books that make you think, that pull you in deeper than just a passing glance. And not having much time to read right now I was so grateful to the BBC to give us such a fantastic story on the radio. Well chosen.

A Conclusion

The whole dating a non-christian issue has been resolved. Me and my boyfriend are very much still a couple, and are very much still making plans for the future. At present he is still an unbeliever. But we have found a compromise which works with my faith.

I appreciate that I will have to live with the consequences of my decision. And if being with a non-christian is such a horrible experience as some people try to portray then I will just have to live with it. And if it is a sin to unite with an unbeliever then thank God for the cross of Christ which provides forgiveness for our mistakes.

But for now, all I care about, is I am at peace. :) And for that I have already thanked God.

My God and My Boyfriend

I am a Christian. My boyfriend is not. Back at the start of our relationship I considered this fact, I prayed about it, and I figured it was ok because he was encouraging me to be a better Christian than most Christian's I knew. I really felt that I had the green light from God. It seemed right. I had the faith to believe that one day he will become a Christian; I believed in both him and God that it was possible and it would one day happen.

That belief in them has not changed. I still believe that one day something will click for my boyfriend and that he'll see things he was unable to see before, and he will comprehend things that at present are beyond comprehension. So what am I blogging about?

In the last 5 months, between me and my boyfriend getting together and now, I have slipped away from God. This has nothing to do with my boyfriend I might add, and more to do with my own laziness and my busy university schedule. In that time doubts have crept in. Every guy I've been involved with before now God has asked me to dump. That is fair enough because they were all useless boyfriends and the wrong match for me. But this trend has got me second guessing God, and now I just assume that He's going to ask me to dump whatever boyfriend I now have. However this boyfriend is the person who I really believe that I'll spend the rest of my life with.

This is understandably really tough for my boyfriend to understand, and my skills at explaining things don't help. But basically my mind has run away with itself in the time that me and God have spent apart, and instead of viewing Him as the God who loves me and who gives me good things, I've somehow managed to get this view of Him as the God who loves to take good things away from me. And now when I try to come back to Him and start again on our relationship I just cant get over this fear of what He might ask me to give up.

Part of the problem is that I've somehow come to figure that as soon as there is something that we are unwilling to give up, God will either ask us to give it up or take it away altogether. This is all a "test" to see whether we truly put Him first in our lives. Now I do believe that God has to come first, but does that honestly mean every time we get attached to something we have to give it up? And where did I get this theology from?

And what's most annoying about this whole thing is that right now everywhere I turn it's like "dump your boyfriend" but I don't know if that's God actually talking to me and telling me that or just my imagination getting a bit overexcited there. I'm thinking the latter, but is that just because I want to?

Do you see my problem? I hate this constant second guessing. It's driving me nuts. But I'm definitely not going to dump my boyfriend when I'm so confused like this. To be honest I don't plan on ever dumping him and I told God as much last night. Heck, I can't lie to Him, He sees right through me. So for now I'm going to keep working on both relationships. After all, I believe that God's big enough to work around our mistakes, so even if me and my man being together is a mistake I'm confident that it can still work out in the long term.

Verse for the Day

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

The Engineer's Way

It is better to be approximately right than precisely wrong.

But God...

After my phone conversation yesterday, today I started to look for a daily devotional to follow to help me to work on my Christian walk. I think I will be following this devotional for the next while - Girlfriends in God which is a devotional geared towards women specifically. The blurb says " Equipping women for their journey to the heart of God".

I've started to read a couple of them to get up to scratch with where it's at and I've already been blessed.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3.

This verse just opened up to me in a new way today. It gave me a lot of hope. Right now I do feel like I'm in that slimy pit. I'm confused and struggling with so much stuff. I know that I believe in God and I know that Christ bought my salvation on that cross. But there's a whole bunch of other stuff that I just don't know. This passage just gave me so much hope. God WILL hear my cries for help, and He WILL lift me up and put me on that solid ground. Some day I will have that certainty of knowing what I believe and I'll have that peace. I'll be standing on solid ground and Satan will not be able to move me. And the transformation in my life will be evident to others.

But for now, I will wait patiently for the Lord. Because I know He will not fail me and He will not leave me here.

Another point brought up in this particular study is about insecurities. I could relate so much to the testimony given by the author of the devotional. She speaks about feeling like she's broken cuz she's just not functioning in the way that everyone around her is. I've been feeling like that for a while with my Christian walk. I look at those around me and it looks like they're all sorted, and I cant figure out why it's not working for me. Along the way I have picked up insecurities about myself and have feelings of not belonging, of not being pretty, and things like that. And without me realising it these insecurities have affected the way that I perceive things. When people speak to me, and when things happen, my mind filters it all through these insecurities and I'm left with a distorted perspective. As she explains it, the way I see myself and the way God sees me are extremely different. This is the same as the way I view myself is different from the way other people view me, such as my boyfriend. I was already aware of this and have started to try to tackle this issue. It's just interesting to hear about someone else who's been through very similar circumstances and come out the other side. It's encouraging. There's hope for me yet.